poems maybe

This day as measur'd:

Aught 2 prey

Atten.tion

Friend nor foreign is it,

True?

As captur’d sea.

Pray attend

sum. As if.  we.  Knew,,, 

Explorations 1995 to 1998, part 1

 (I wrote this when trying to make sense of my life & work on May 13 in 2024.  Dave was having a hard time.  I was intent on dealing with our fears.)

I made  photos of our activities with a stretch camera.  The camera gave me a very wide horizon so I played with the idea of having a wider horizon for a while. I a also wanted to record tmy life exploring Dave's world which seemed so exotic to me. I thought I'd lucked out finding someone who found me fun to be with.

paperwork

Emotional or cultural references in most narratives of a life stop short of stumbles & confusions or mistakes or whatevers.  We were younger & more innocent then when....  These days I'm a vine-like thing  reaching for the moon just hanging there moping. Yes 

here while old worlds end. YES  life does continue. Yes it's thick & rich despite....

Back  then we both knew we were "entitled"  as well as "privileged" just by having life at all but but - NOW - right NOW - there's sorting through your many fevered notes of what to do when & then & this & that ....  These constant tellings of your love & care.  I grieve 

while doing messy paperwork.  Once upon a time we could we would both laugh at doing what seemed impossible. 

some days are tougher than others. 'nuff said.

 That's the news today.  

rain today

I’m calling on my ancestors right now what with DNA etc. now informing. Us. Let’s place ourselves among those tough explorers of ancient nether-worlds yes remember. Harsher times when we sailed on beyond old gods forging weapons. Look! It’s raining! We’ll keep on rowing & sing new worlds through shifting seas. Remember. Remember. Remember lifetimes ago. Sit. Observe: another spring & how we once promised. Each other fresh horizons & just another spring. 

Yes it’s raining. We’re laughing & here’s your promise of rainbows somehow breaking through.

What I learned about loving others

Well old age is a reflection time it seems. I might as well have a look at what I learned about loving others.

1 It’s been the case that the people I love misconstrued my behavior & intentions. I felt others had the freedom to believe as they believed without me preaching what they should believe. I did give honesty about hurt feelings to loved ones & there were negative consequences. I still feel threatened by telling my situation to people I love. Fact is I’m still learning on how to get my intentions or love across.

2 I learned to stop trying to fix others’ ideas: they have the right to state feelings attitudes or their assumptions about how the world should work for them. The terrorists in other counties & at home are a challenge to this belief I have.

3 I learned it was more loving to leave fighting couples free to resolve their own issues with each other rather than giving advice (unless asked.) I wasn’t asked & in ignorance I gave advice for years & years. Yes I have lots of regrets about my own fixing behavior with loved ones.

4 I learned to let go when people stopped including me in their lives. They moved on with what became more important to them. So did I & us as a couple. I learned to respect life keeps changing. I still learn to take care of my own feelings of loss & grief & to keep on doing what is important to me.

4 I am still learning to trust David as well as myself regarding needs & wishes & sharing those with each other. David’s needs & wants are private stuff for him. I am more public about my needs & wants. He forgave me for the times I went public about his personal stuff. I give thanks for his forgiveness.

5 I see David he also has his disappointments, regrets & memories of hardships he went through. Respecting & helping him with achieving what he needs & wants at this time is sometimes hard for me. I’m continuing with this between my own crying bouts. Upside: managing my own emotions is do-able.

5 I miss him like crazy right now & he misses me like crazy too. I practice being his helpmate & keeping myself going for both our sakes.

……………………..

Afterthought: I’m grateful for all learning curves.

---

 [Ma1]

maybe agony girl grew up?

I have boxes of old notebooks going back decades. They’re filled with my writings/thoughts. Seems I was trying to figure out the world & learning what was important to me. Seems a record of an evolving self-consciousness. The agony my younger selves describe seems a dream to my older self now.

Lots of it is embarrassing. OMG! How might a more mature person have dealt with these overly sensitive agonizing younger selves? Do I throw these notebook away or can I still make more sense of what I “reported” about my life in those years? Meeting myself as I was at different times seems sort of humorous too. Maybe old gods laugh.

Meanwhile I am a helpmate to dear Dave right now. When I read through old notebooks I see I’ve learned a few things since my old agony days! I give thanks for this in-sight. 

Onward sweet bitch!