current web discussions

I’m wondering in this contemporary global communications system how far these ideas will spread.

(American debates) the idea that citizens have a right to feel safe & to be able to think for themselves & the rule of law be applicable to all citizens.

Cultural changes in attitudes among Black citizens in the USA over time since slavery was abolished as per Black music – eg. Fat’s Waller, Eda Braun, Nina Simone, etc.

What is Obama’s legacy really?

“New Zealand First” (political party): filmed New Zealand Parliamentary Debates showing speeches given by Winston Peter. I wonder if Canada’s aboriginal peoples are taking note. https://www.facebook.com/@NZFirst/

Web sites run by fundamentalist terrorists telling of desires to kill certain races including the races of western euro-peoples.

Justin Trudeau’s behavior seems to parallel some of my reading about Nazi’s in WW2. At least to me. But what do I know?

to remember

This is the first time in years we’re home for the 25th. The road trips & other travels since 1967 were wonderful & giving those up. Long trips. Means moments of grief however we. Still still. Are. Together have plenty. Of photo albums to prove it to ourselves so remembering. Fun times. With bubbly & food is nice with my honey & remembering. Taste as well as place & time. Si. We’re grateful.

This a.m. I “created” a reasonably tasty & healthy soup using left over sauerkraut & turnip thanks to a British “soup bible” I picked up. London. Half a lifetime ago. Yes. Explore tastes through Empire taste sensations: leeks, an Englished fish sauce, garlic, ginger, hot peppers, cabbage, coriander. Sauerkraut & milk. Reasonable substitutions for cabbage & cream & tiny shrimp for an ocean whisper. When reheating. Shrimp. Right now. Are cheap & easy & come from Argentina where contemporary cultural changes are shaking things up. David. Wants to cook an octopus this afternoon. Thank you. Portuguese fishing ships!

A world tour. Yes. Happy.

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sorting through old learning curves

(written March 21, 2021)

Learning curves continue with printers as well as programs.  In comparison paintings were easier to develop or were they?  Seems to me the highs & lows of both enterprises might be comparable.  I have many (mostly boring) old notebooks telling of discouragement then then aha moments of joy.  Every aspect of making images  is a big deal no matter the medium.  Just maybe this is my normal. All and all there’s happiness but there’s this roller coaster ride included.  Jasmina’s call out for work about joy was confusing.  It’s one of those very complicated emotions more like storms than anything else I can think of.

Which reminds me I did check the time for the Joy show at AGA but when we got there a new time was posted so we  got there just before closing alas.  Going back to the car I took my facemask off & ended up loosing my hearing aid.  Eventually David found it where I hadn’t looked.  Talk about panic moments.  That too seems my normal to get panicked about my hearing aid.  Sigh.  What else?  I thought I’s worked on managing feelings successfully but it seems really  important stuff still registers big time in the feeling department. Guess this is how I learn what really matters.  To me. That’s a good thing. Right?

Not necessarily.  Family estrangement is now in its 20^th year.  Until recently it was a big deal to me. Not so much now.  Children I once knew are adults & they  have chidden who I don’t know at all.  I haven’t met spouses.  Or know where they live. Or anything about their interests or abilities. Or what they work at. Or what's going on with any of them.  Asking questions means abuse.  So does not asking questions. 

This year news about my relatives' comings and goings doesn’t really interest me anymore.  Some artist once  talked about estrangement as going  “through the door of no return.”  I can relate to that. The old life with “certain people ”  no longer feels like loss or anything. Surprise.  Now I feel like celebrating. With bubbly.  Prosecco. YES.

Dec 18 2024_ Update: It's a nice Xmas with me & David & no worrying about trying to make unhappy people happy.  Progress & Gratitudes YES!

I dreamed of my brother this morning

I dreamed of my brother early this morning. There was a tapping at a window but the window looked like it was on the floor so I bent down to have a look. There was a head screaming at me through the streaky glass but I could barely hear it & it looked my brother but his face was half gone & there was a sort of bandage covering the left side of his face. The bandage was made up of what looked like shingles nailed together as if on a roof.

I hadn’t been informed about my brother’s funeral. I still don’t know if he was buried or cremated. His son came to see me after the funeral. What was that about? I was too dazed & could hardly talk. So where is my brother now? In our little family tribe one of the norms for children were don’t ask & don’t tell. Am I or the others still following those norms? Who knows? Why would I want to care anymore?

My brother’s final days: his “guardian” told me he was in the hospital & he was there for assisted dying. I’d sort of known that he wanted to die pretty well since early childhood what with the beatings he’d endured. I’d also had years of being spooked by his behavior. The people he hung out with were a rough bunch & he did road rage things when other drivers pissed him off. One time he stopped abruptly & the car behind almost ran into us. Then he ran out to that car & started banging on the hood threatening to kill the guy. The other driver managed to drive off & we resumed on our trip as if nothing happened. Not a word. Just like that. Yeah. Keep that a secret. Maybe I can help by staying quiet. Righto. Then there was his heroin use & years of cutting into his skin all over his body to look for the crawlies coming through. Yeah, & lots of other “little” things to “get over.” When I heard about my brother in the hospital I knew finally I couldn’t “help” him any more, as if I ever did or could.

So in last bunch of years other tribal members died. Seems to me the deaths left unfinished business with all of us, even the next generations. That death wish stuff keeps getting passed along. Sort of like the tribes in the middle east seems to me. Reading Speer’s book about the world of WW2 also brings somewhat of an insight into what may have been some reasons for the death wish & how it's passed along.

found an old poem from 2017

Mar 21 river cruise. So between morning and night when a ship hums yes hums and throbbing low I sleep but there’s still streaming like ribbons high in trees these story libres these utterances these sweet confidences yes you come from various places in this world through various obstacles and now there’s your heart reaching out for my murky understanding I ‘m drunk after all and I find you wonderful and looking at you full square into your face into your eyes this drowning in your confidences you confide in me and somehow we no longer seem threatening to each other as if the world melted and just this whatever can I call it ?as a fact if not mistaken.

Our table drifts back and your wife and friends are back and Dave’s there laughing about politics and stinging bees and to our laughter adding solemn pronouncements on the Donald or somesuch other worry so we scratch our fleas and ears I imagine we would scratch our balls too if I could imagine such a thing for myself and then I imagine you imagining a vulva vociferous vagina mound of Venus centuries old swallow you whole but the joke moves on and I gather my headache into a ball and throw it backward beyond the waiter bored and waiting waiters wait forever I was a waitress.

Once and it didn’t bother me to stand there waiting while you played with your moustache or frizzies at your collar line I could imagine once of being invisible and hearing your ploys for getting along in this daily turbulence but now dessert is served and we’re in France and the waiter is bored but courteous and he places two perfectly rolled tubes of crepes in front of me with wiggles of sauce and tasty bits I can’t remember and I bite just a corner of one hoping to expand the timeline of its demise and I am your friend for life forever or until the next meal or until the next round of wine from some region the Romans had once rejoiced to.

No this wasn’t Rome for them and soldiers wouldn’t have been served such flavors such delicacies such clouds melting savoring mouthfuls but we’re probably sitting on this river among their bateaus of war or somesuch barks while drinking in and carousing all together in our hearts I think I’m drunk.

update on Mar 5 2023_bullshit factors?

In 2023 I observed my beliefs were changing.  Well okay i can live with that. Observation: the world keeps moving on. Dave & me: we’ve become closer. My rough ideas re making art are changing/ sort of developing into what? Someone

from years ago made a friend request. I said yes but am unsure of how to be friends. So I’ll have a look at her site as well as checking on others from time to time. This would help me feel more secure about making friendships maybe. Life is 

surprising.  Dealing with my own issues is harder than learning about others' issues. Seems to me. 

……..

2024: Knowing oneself without bullshitting oneself: Camellia Harris & the other fems I used to admire were helpful in encouraging me self check my own bullshit. I no longer admire those fems but I did learn about bullshit from them. Then too 

of late Syrians got rid of a dictator a few days ago. To me this seems just another tribal war continuing.  The new terrorists are talking peace love & groovy - women too! - & Christians & rest of the world are so hopeful the new terrorists mean what 

they say about accepting other faiths. I’m waiting to see if & when the bullshit factor kicks in.  Tribal wars in that area of the world’s been going on for centuries. WOW! It’s a miracle how long hate lasts! Meanwhile here Trudeau looks like an 

asshole internationally. I hope an election is called soon. Younger Canadians deserve leaders with more political & economic savvy IMHO. 

cookbooks

I sit by a collection of cookbooks I bought on my travels. I bought them whenever I saw some in English in different countries we traveled in. David helped me lug my heavy suitcase countless times even in our later years. The world seemed so new & exciting & full & exotic. I wanted to re-experience & be reminded of tastes that delighted us in our travels. David wanted & still wants me to be happy. Ditto on my part. Lucky for both of us.

I’m also realizing no matter the histories of different places in the world, we did – everybody on earth did - benefit one way or another by trade which brought other flavors, ideas, goods & services, technologies, etc to home locations. As a result all peoples changed in different & various ways over the centuries.

By traveling & keeping my eyes & senses open I learned people in past times life had lives so very much harder than today. It took centuries for us to learn to get along, stay alive, keep healthy, being & staying safe, learn skills. What’s truly important is still being debated NOW with electronic means instead of old farts in market places or palaces or whatever & information travels worldwide & almost instantly. 

Yeah. We live in interesting times. So this morning I’m having a gratitude attack for all my ancestors worldwide.

Imagine that.