rain today

I’m calling on my ancestors right now what with DNA etc. now informing. Us. Let’s place ourselves among those tough explorers of ancient nether-worlds yes remember. Harsher times when we sailed on beyond old gods forging weapons. Look! It’s raining! We’ll keep on rowing & sing new worlds through shifting seas. Remember. Remember. Remember lifetimes ago. Sit. Observe: another spring & how we once promised. Each other fresh horizons & just another spring. 

Yes it’s raining. We’re laughing & here’s your promise of rainbows somehow breaking through.

What I learned about loving others

Well old age is a reflection time it seems. I might as well have a look at what I learned about loving others.

1 It’s been the case that the people I love misconstrued my behavior & intentions. I felt others had the freedom to believe as they believed without me preaching what they should believe. I did give honesty about hurt feelings to loved ones & there were negative consequences. I still feel threatened by telling my situation to people I love. Fact is I’m still learning on how to get my intentions or love across.

2 I learned to stop trying to fix others’ ideas: they have the right to state feelings attitudes or their assumptions about how the world should work for them. The terrorists in other counties & at home are a challenge to this belief I have.

3 I learned it was more loving to leave fighting couples free to resolve their own issues with each other rather than giving advice (unless asked.) I wasn’t asked & in ignorance I gave advice for years & years. Yes I have lots of regrets about my own fixing behavior with loved ones.

4 I learned to let go when people stopped including me in their lives. They moved on with what became more important to them. So did I & us as a couple. I learned to respect life keeps changing. I still learn to take care of my own feelings of loss & grief & to keep on doing what is important to me.

4 I am still learning to trust David as well as myself regarding needs & wishes & sharing those with each other. David’s needs & wants are private stuff for him. I am more public about my needs & wants. He forgave me for the times I went public about his personal stuff. I give thanks for his forgiveness.

5 I see David he also has his disappointments, regrets & memories of hardships he went through. Respecting & helping him with achieving what he needs & wants at this time is sometimes hard for me. I’m continuing with this between my own crying bouts. Upside: managing my own emotions is do-able.

5 I miss him like crazy right now & he misses me like crazy too. I practice being his helpmate & keeping myself going for both our sakes.

……………………..

Afterthought: I’m grateful for all learning curves.

---

 [Ma1]

maybe agony girl grew up?

I have boxes of old notebooks going back decades. They’re filled with my writings/thoughts. Seems I was trying to figure out the world & learning what was important to me. Seems a record of an evolving self-consciousness. The agony my younger selves describe seems a dream to my older self now.

Lots of it is embarrassing. OMG! How might a more mature person have dealt with these overly sensitive agonizing younger selves? Do I throw these notebook away or can I still make more sense of what I “reported” about my life in those years? Meeting myself as I was at different times seems sort of humorous too. Maybe old gods laugh.

Meanwhile I am a helpmate to dear Dave right now. When I read through old notebooks I see I’ve learned a few things since my old agony days! I give thanks for this in-sight. 

Onward sweet bitch!